I am afraid of…

04 Nov

…being pretentious.
…people’s opinions of me.
…offending someone with my beliefs.
…offending someone with the fact that I have any opinions at all.
…being too obstinate to listen to what other people want and then I end up squashing them and their hopes and dreams.
…even if the issue is a simple difference in musical taste or place to go out to eat for lunch.
…telling people my whole story because it’s too complicated for me to tell it right and they won’t understand all of the gaps that don’t get filled.
…telling important-to-me people my whole story because it will affect them emotionally for some reason.
…investing too much love into something for too long and then growing old alone.
…being afraid of growing old alone and marrying the wrong person.
…not being alone enough and losing myself in someone else again.
…not knowing the future even though I have all these expectations about how it is surely going to turn out a certain way.
…not expressing myself enough to be heard and eventually the fact that I am not heard backfires on me.
…everyone I love dying.
…car wrecks, whether they happen to me or happen around me; I am completely horrified by them.
…not helping people when they need help because I assume they can take care of themselves.
…helping people when they would rather take care of themselves.
…letting people down.
…forgetting important things.
…seeming too self-absorbed.
…accidentally taking advantage of someone.
…failing at something very basic that most people succeed effortlessly in.
…losing my natural sense of wonder and ability to marvel by being caught up in the hustle and bustle of “normal people life.”
…causing someone great harm, especially without knowing it so as to stop or just not being able to be in control of the hurt I’m causing in order to stop it.
…becoming like the people in my life that have caused pain to me or that I have seen causing pain to other people.
…becoming like people in my life who have caused me pain in a twisted revenge on other people.
…becoming like negative people in my life in general just by picking up on how they are by being around them.
…that one day my dreams and nightmares will all be turned into movies and played in front of vast audiences who will then know everything about me.
…that I will waste my life away doing nothing.
…that I will never be someone who amounts to anything or even gives back what has been given to me through my friends and mentors.
…being judgemental of people in ways that other people have been judgemental about me.
…shallow and insubstantial; losing my ability to have intelligent conversation.
…becoming estranged from my family.
…losing my ability to hear.
…losing my ability to write and/or not being able to find a suitable substitute.
…having some sort of condition that limits my ability to have what I consider a normal life.
…becoming more narrow-minded.
…not loving people as much as they have loved me because I’m too preoccupied with myself and the HURT I’ve experienced from them.
…not loving and worshipping God the way he really ought to be; that I’m doing it all wrong
…that all the false, pretentious, judgemental, unloving, “fag-hating” Christianity will turn out to be the true representation of the One True God and that he really doesn’t love us the way I have been led to believe through my own journey in trying to understand him.
…that posting this list for all to see will expose everything about me and I won’t be able to hide anymore.

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Posted by on November 4, 2012 in Faith, Fear, Healing


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