In September and half of October I was unemployed and horribly depressed. I’d go on Craigslist and look at jobs, make resumes, submit them, even go in to interviews, but it turns out I really hate interviews; they are stupid and pretentious, kind of like dating. Actually, exactly like dating: “here is how amazing I only am and I don’t have any flaws so marry me!!”
Fortunately, when things get really bad for me, I end up doing a lot of stuff. Especially since I had all that time, I spent most of it exploring my ability to be purposeful in my artistic abilities; I wrote a few songs, about a billion poems, and even discovered my artistic style of Squiggly Lines. It was a really manic time for me, an OF COURSE now that I don’t have all that time anymore I am jealous of my past self and wish I had more time to create stuff.
I prayed a lot during that time, and I’m not saying that to be holy. I think a person prays a lot when they are desperate – poor God. But then he comes through regardless, and in crazy better ways than anybody had ever thought it possible.
I’m beginning to think, though, that God has some sort of deal with the fortune cookie company.
The week of my deepest struggle, we had gotten Chinese takeout over the weekend and so there was a slew of extra fortune cookies sitting out on the bar for the taking. On Sunday the 16th I picked one up, opened it, and ate it while reflecting on the fortune, which said: “Pay attention. An opportunity will come knocking on your door.”
My eyes narrowed and I wanted nothing to do with it.
Monday, I saw the fortune cookies again and decided to give it another go. “Don’t be surprised at the emergence of undiscovered talents!”
I looked over at the couple of Squiggly Line pictures I’d drawn, and back at the fortune cookie. Again, my eyes narrowed.
Tuesday I was feeling particularly down and not wanting to work hard AT ALL to get a job. I would peruse Craigslist for about 15 minutes before being overcome with laziness and then would just sit on Facebook endeavoring to Not Endure. At some point in the later afternoon I picked up another fortune cookie, deciding at that moment it was to become a daily thing until I left Friday to go visit a lover of mine.
“The cost of something is what you give up to get it.”
Snarky fortune cookies. I threw this one across the room and then retrieved it, folded it neatly, and put it on the dresser with the other two.
Wednesday I had another morning mental breakdown, upset that I was on my last dollars, that I would be spending the last of the last dollars on going to see Nahele that weekend, and that I would eventually be in the hole because I couldn’t get a stupid job.
I went into the kitchen to fix myself soothing tea and opened this fortune cookie: “Broke is only temporary. Poor is a state of mind.”
I was angry the rest of the day. There is NO NEED for a fortune cookie to be telling me that I am being a poop. I can figure that out myself, thank you!
By Thursday I’d had it and I actually opened the fortune cookie, ate the cookie, and then went to take a shower, forgetting to look at the fortune.
Mid-way through the shower, I panicked at the thought that maybe I’d eaten the fortune. And then perhaps I had assimilated it into my system. You know, like Manny when he swallowed the Little Book of Calm.
When I came out of the shower, there the fortune was, next to my computer. Not expecting much, I picked it up and read it aloud:
“In love you will be happy and harmonious.”
Fortune cookies know too much.
I had a beautiful weekend with Nahele and after having that time to sort out a lot of life stuff, reflecting on the fortune cookies, and finally a lot of crazy, emotional talks with God, “Papa” (involving me jumping out of my little spaceship of “comfort” and trusting him to bring me around, help me find a fulfilling job that would help me get closer to being with Russell, my dear love who lives far away and that I never get to see, but that’s a different story), I finally surrendered. It sounds sickeningly simplistic, but now I have two fulfilling jobs and even have been able to see Russell more than I originally thought I’d be able to.
Maybe this month of blogging will explore all these little journeys more. We shall see….