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Category Archives: Faith

Something is going to happen.

This is an excerpt from my NaNoWriMo novel this year, and “coincidentally” also basically what I was meditating on in May when I was getting ready to go to the farm up in Burnsville with Joanna for the first time and when I was arriving there the voice was very strong.  Here it is:

Artemis sighed and walked out the door alone to go re-scout tent sites, and prayed that Rory would get there soon. She ended up taking a little hike down to the creek where she sat on a rock to think for the first time since her Greyhound bus ride three days before.

Something is going to happen, she felt the voice speak over her like the friendly hug of a warm blanket. Something is going to happen and you need to take this moment now to let go and let it happen.

You think you’ve been living in freedom these past three years just because you’ve broken out of your conservative Christian community and angsty home and been off in the world traveling. And in a way, you have come a really long way. But that wasn’t freedom; that was only the prelude to what is ahead.

In the travels you oftentimes thought that you were finding answers when really you were finding more bondage, just of a different sort. Again and again you’ve had to rethink so many of your conclusions about how the world works because you thought you had it right and it turns out you were wrong again.

The last time this happened, it humbled you beyond everything. You realize now you are not invincible or unbreakable in any regard. You realize now that you can’t just be hedonistic about your life, you need to live as if you will watch everybody you have ever loved die tomorrow and all you will be able to think about is that the last conversation you had with them you snubbed them and now they will never know how much you actually loved them because you never told them.

But now you’re here. And you’ve think you’ve learned all the lessons you needed to but you haven’t; you’re about to learn the biggest one of all; you’re about to break through to a whole new level. And even THEN you will think you are done but you won’t be.

“I’m going to be horribly confused for the rest of my life??” she asked.

You don’t have to think about it as horrible or really even confusing. But, in essence, yes. That’s why I need you to let go. Because you need to let things happen. Big things, in small things. And… you don’t need to know why, and it would be best not to pretend you know why, but you may do as you wish.

Artemis sat there in silence, staring unblinking at a neverending ripple in the current but seeing nothing, thinking nothing but “What about…?” but never getting past that part of the question. She knew it wasn’t time for what-abouts. It was time to get up, walk back up to the main part of the property, and let the next few weeks happen to her.

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Posted by on November 6, 2012 in Faith, Fear, Transitions, Writing

 

I am afraid of…

…being pretentious.
…people’s opinions of me.
…offending someone with my beliefs.
…offending someone with the fact that I have any opinions at all.
…being too obstinate to listen to what other people want and then I end up squashing them and their hopes and dreams.
…even if the issue is a simple difference in musical taste or place to go out to eat for lunch.
…telling people my whole story because it’s too complicated for me to tell it right and they won’t understand all of the gaps that don’t get filled.
…telling important-to-me people my whole story because it will affect them emotionally for some reason.
…investing too much love into something for too long and then growing old alone.
…being afraid of growing old alone and marrying the wrong person.
…not being alone enough and losing myself in someone else again.
…not knowing the future even though I have all these expectations about how it is surely going to turn out a certain way.
…not expressing myself enough to be heard and eventually the fact that I am not heard backfires on me.
…everyone I love dying.
…car wrecks, whether they happen to me or happen around me; I am completely horrified by them.
…not helping people when they need help because I assume they can take care of themselves.
…helping people when they would rather take care of themselves.
…letting people down.
…forgetting important things.
…seeming too self-absorbed.
…accidentally taking advantage of someone.
…failing at something very basic that most people succeed effortlessly in.
…losing my natural sense of wonder and ability to marvel by being caught up in the hustle and bustle of “normal people life.”
…causing someone great harm, especially without knowing it so as to stop or just not being able to be in control of the hurt I’m causing in order to stop it.
…becoming like the people in my life that have caused pain to me or that I have seen causing pain to other people.
…becoming like people in my life who have caused me pain in a twisted revenge on other people.
…becoming like negative people in my life in general just by picking up on how they are by being around them.
…that one day my dreams and nightmares will all be turned into movies and played in front of vast audiences who will then know everything about me.
…that I will waste my life away doing nothing.
…that I will never be someone who amounts to anything or even gives back what has been given to me through my friends and mentors.
…being judgemental of people in ways that other people have been judgemental about me.
…shallow and insubstantial; losing my ability to have intelligent conversation.
…becoming estranged from my family.
…losing my ability to hear.
…losing my ability to write and/or not being able to find a suitable substitute.
…having some sort of condition that limits my ability to have what I consider a normal life.
…becoming more narrow-minded.
…not loving people as much as they have loved me because I’m too preoccupied with myself and the HURT I’ve experienced from them.
…not loving and worshipping God the way he really ought to be; that I’m doing it all wrong
…that all the false, pretentious, judgemental, unloving, “fag-hating” Christianity will turn out to be the true representation of the One True God and that he really doesn’t love us the way I have been led to believe through my own journey in trying to understand him.
…that posting this list for all to see will expose everything about me and I won’t be able to hide anymore.

 
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Posted by on November 4, 2012 in Faith, Fear, Healing

 

Fortune Cookies Know Too Much

fortune cookies

In September and half of October I was unemployed and horribly depressed.  I’d go on Craigslist and look at jobs, make resumes, submit them, even go in to interviews, but it turns out I really hate interviews; they are stupid and pretentious, kind of like dating.  Actually, exactly like dating: “here is how amazing I only am and I don’t have any flaws so marry me!!”

Fortunately, when things get really bad for me, I end up doing a lot of stuff.  Especially since I had all that time, I spent most of it exploring my ability to be purposeful in my artistic abilities; I wrote a few songs, about a billion poems, and even discovered my artistic style of Squiggly Lines.  It was a really manic time for me, an OF COURSE now that I don’t have all that time anymore I am jealous of my past self and wish I had more time to create stuff.

Silly Jessica.

I prayed a lot during that time, and I’m not saying that to be holy.  I think a person prays a lot when they are desperate – poor God.  But then he comes through regardless, and in crazy better ways than anybody had ever thought it possible.

I’m beginning to think, though, that God has some sort of deal with the fortune cookie company.

The week of my deepest struggle, we had gotten Chinese takeout over the weekend and so there was a slew of extra fortune cookies sitting out on the bar for the taking.  On Sunday the 16th I picked one up, opened it, and ate it while reflecting on the fortune, which said: “Pay attention.  An opportunity will come knocking on your door.”

My eyes narrowed and I wanted nothing to do with it.

Monday, I saw the fortune cookies again and decided to give it another go.  “Don’t be surprised at the emergence of undiscovered talents!”

I looked over at the couple of Squiggly Line pictures I’d drawn, and back at the fortune cookie.  Again, my eyes narrowed.

Tuesday I was feeling particularly down and not wanting to work hard AT ALL to get a job.  I would peruse Craigslist for about 15 minutes before being overcome with laziness and then would just sit on Facebook endeavoring to Not Endure.  At some point in the later afternoon I picked up another fortune cookie, deciding at that moment it was to become a daily thing until I left Friday to go visit a lover of mine.

“The cost of something is what you give up to get it.”

Snarky fortune cookies.  I threw this one across the room and then retrieved it, folded it neatly, and put it on the dresser with the other two.

Wednesday I had another morning mental breakdown, upset that I was on my last dollars, that I would be spending the last of the last dollars on going to see Nahele that weekend, and that I would eventually be in the hole because I couldn’t get a stupid job.

I went into the kitchen to fix myself soothing tea and opened this fortune cookie: “Broke is only temporary.  Poor is a state of mind.”

ALRIGHT.  ENOUGH.

I was angry the rest of the day.  There is NO NEED for a fortune cookie to be telling me that I am being a poop.  I can figure that out myself, thank you!

By Thursday I’d had it and I actually opened the fortune cookie, ate the cookie, and then went to take a shower, forgetting to look at the fortune.

Mid-way through  the shower, I panicked at the thought that maybe I’d eaten the fortune.  And then perhaps I had assimilated it into my system.  You know, like Manny when he swallowed the Little Book of Calm.

When I came out of the shower, there the fortune was, next to my computer.  Not expecting much, I picked it up and read it aloud:

“In love you will be happy and harmonious.”

*blink*  *blink*

Fortune cookies know too much.

I had a beautiful weekend with Nahele and after having that time to sort out a lot of life stuff, reflecting on the fortune cookies, and finally a lot of crazy, emotional talks with God, “Papa” (involving me jumping out of my little spaceship of “comfort” and trusting him to bring me around, help me find a fulfilling job that would help me get closer to being with Russell, my dear love who lives far away and that I never get to see, but that’s a different story), I finally surrendered.  It sounds sickeningly simplistic, but now I have two fulfilling jobs and even have been able to see Russell more than I originally thought I’d be able to.

Maybe this month of blogging will explore all these little journeys more. We shall see….

 
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Posted by on November 3, 2012 in A Day in the Life, Faith, Life Pursuits

 
 
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