Yesterday I got rather in a dull mood and I can’t seem to really get out of it. “Dull” really is the best way to describe it, because I feel like a pencil lead that really needs to be sharpened.
Over the rest of my existence, particularly this summer, you are going to hear a lot of this “at the farm…” business. I apologize if this is annoying you, but I was there for a pretty long while and I fully intend to write about it as much as possible while the experience is fresh in my mind.
The thing about me is that I am solar powered. No sun? No Jessica. I mean, yes: there is a Jessica in this world and she is a fully functioning human being, and she didn’t die. Or anything. But her problem is that she seems to lose all amounts of energy that there ever could be on a cloudy day. And when that happens, she sort of starts to wonder if there is something wrong with her and whether she is broken.
Back to the first person.
It seems worse than it did, and I think that in the past ten seconds I figured out why: on the farm, I was out in the elements, whatever they were, for basically the entirety of my time there. The only time I wasn’t was when I would go to the bathroom in the house; otherwise, everywhere I was was either outside, or an indoor room with doors and windows open and no heating or air conditioner. I must be experiencing shock at going back to a more closed up, indoors-focused life, like when you put broccoli seedlings in the ground and they act like they are dying for a week or two.
So, that is it. I am dying.
Don’t act too alarmed, now.
Now more than ever I am seriously considering pitching a tent in the back yard… I am not sure I can survive like this. I feel so depressed.
I really do.
I just want to crawl into a little ball on my bed, and sleep forever, and not worry about anything, and definitely not breathe this stuffy “conditioned” air.
I need a tree to sit in.
There are no sufficiently sized sitting trees here in my yard.
I apologize for being extremely whiny and discontent-sounding right now. It’s quite unfair, I know, that I should come home to my parents and then be very upset with the living situation they are presently offering me. Well, it’s not like they can help that they live in a house. I mean, they could not, but my dad really likes to be a good dad who provides nice things like houses for his family. I could do without such luxuries, but I am sure the rest of my family appreciates it.
Now, the only question is: do I pitch my family’s five-person tent up in the attic, or do I go to Wal-Mart and get my own little yellow tent, the twin of my old tent back at the farm?
I would actually like to pitch our big tent, for the sake of having lots of free space, as well as the ventilation advantage that it will have in the summer when it gets really hot. But at the same time, I do know I will be getting my own little yellow tent for traveling purposes. I talked to this German couch surfer once and he got his for $20, and it was very compact and conducive to travel. He also bought a floatie raft as a mattress. He was a very awesome person.
Well, with that issue pinpointed and the solution resolved, I do feel a little better in my head.
The next issue is: movement. Work.
At the farm, I was working for eight to ten hours a day at least; often I was working twelve to fourteen hour days. Of course it was tiring, but this has happened before… I like working jobs where I’m moving all day, and when I come back home, I’m just not. I try to do my little workout in the morning, and maybe swim every once and a while, but most of the time I really don’t even see the point in doing these; they accomplish nothing but keeping my body in shape. I didn’t need to work out at the farm because I was simply moving all the time.
So, I clean my room, or I load the dishwasher, or I do laundry. But I miss the farming; I miss the work and I miss the schedule and working with people who didn’t mind work, and whom I could relate with on the level of not wanting an office job EVER.
If my job was sitting around on the computer all day (and a few times it has been… HELP), then I don’t know what I would do with myself. I just can’t stand it.
All in all, I just haven’t felt myself the past couple of days. Of course I am completely overreacting to this; just because I feel in the doldrums doesn’t mean that I have become a stranger. But I need to get out and doing something, preferably outside, or I shall go nuts. Absolute nuts.
I need a place where I can sing, a place where I can walk around a feel free. I need a place where I can say what I need to, or just not say anything at all. I need the solace of forest acres and the lull of wind rushing through the leaves so I can sleep. I know that Raleigh isn’t really a city at all, but I feel like a fish out of water here regardless.
It’s sad. I want to enjoy my time here… and I know I will. I’m spending time with family and some of the best friends in the world, and I am making money. But this just isn’t where I am meant to be forever. Nature beckons.